the imperfections are the perfection

"Our crowns have been bought and paid for -- all we have to do is wear them." -- James Baldwin

I have a friend named Maggie. She lives alone in Eagle Rock. I call her from time to time because I like to listen to her voice, her easy laughter and her unassuming brilliance. She's hilarious because she has no idea how funny she is and she's profound because she thinks of herself as a simple person. A few of us friends had offered to check in on Maggie because she has a tendency to retreat from the world when things get rough. Recently, she kept me company on the phone in bumper to bumper traffic on Wilshire Boulevard on my way home from work.

"I give up too easily, Boo."

"I fight too much," I said.

I fight and argue my way through every roadblock in my day, putting my editor in his place for an edit I don't like, putting my husband in his place for a tone I don't like, and putting the driver infront of me in his place for driving the way I don't like. I'll fight through tasks upon tasks by setting up a calendar to perfectly budget my time between work, house chores, studies, community service, time with Aric and time with friends. If I feel I'm mistreated, I rarely walk away. I fight for my dignity.

I told Maggie this, and she said, "Boo, these are the words for you tonight. 'Be still and know that I am God.'"

A weight lifted from my chest. I said some niceties and hung up the phone. On the rest of my drive home, I felt something loving call out to me. 부연아... 괜찮아... It was in Korean and went something like, "Booyeon, it's OK. You don't have to strive." It was what my mom used to say to me as a child when I would fight to be perfect. 부연아... 괜찮아...

Life has recently given me and Aric an insurmountable mountain of a dilemma. It has to do with his family, the details of which I am happy to share with you privately if you are willing to pray with us. This past week, I've been coming to a realization that God has given us a larger than life problem so that we won't try to solve it on our own. I once told Aric that one of his favorite movies is Fight Club because he likes to battle his way through life. Aric loves to multitask, over-extend himself and sprint through 6 a.m. to 10 p.m. days. He's found a partner just as intense. Lord help us.

God is speaking grace, rest and forgiveness into our lives. He wants us to wear the crowns already paid for and quit bargaining for a right to an inheritance. He wants us to be His beloved, not His beast of burden.